THE GOSSELIN HOLIDAY CARD™

 

This annual holiday card is historically a pretty significant achievement for us. And we put far too much effort into them. We haven't decided if we should say that out loud yet or not. 

The Walking Gosselins, Circa 2013

Walking Dead Theme

We are super into this show, despite Carl's dumb hat. If you look closely at this picture - Jake is holding a beer - just like Rick Grimes does during the Walking Dead's epic Zombie Apocalypse backdrop.

Game of Gosselins, Circa 2014

Game of Thrones Theme

Jake does a fantastic Jon Snow, while Chewy nails the White Wolf. Molly is stellar Joffrey Baratheon and Dezi (our bearded dragon) just slays his role as one of Khaleesi's dragons. 

Damsel in Dis Dress, Circa 2015

Dezi Takes Jake

We wondered why it's always women in distress? How about Jake in "dis dress" getting rescued by a competent crew of powerful female knights and their trusty Shih Tzu?

Piglet Takes Empire State

King Kong ala Piglet

Each pet has had the chance to be the star of the Gosselin Family Holiday Card and with Piglet becoming a Gosselin in 2016, she suddenly found herself thrust into the photoshopped limelight. ​Dezi is in there, too - sporting his top hat.

Piglet Takes Empire State

King Kong ala Piglet

Each pet has had the chance to be the star of the Gosselin Family Holiday Card and with Piglet becoming a Gosselin in 2016, she suddenly found herself thrust into the photoshopped limelight. ​Dezi is in there, too - sporting his top hat.

Gosselins of the Caribbean

Drowning in Pets

With another year, comes another pet. This year, we impulse-adopted a one-eyed cat, kind of like when you grab a pack of gum at the checkout line, but replace the pack of gum with a one-eyed cat. The same level of thought went into it. Anyway, in celebration of his one eye, this year’s pirate themed card was pretty much a given. 

#GosselinStrong

Jon Snow + Gosselins

As any “Game of Thrones” fan knows, this card tips its hat to the scene where Jon Snow runs into battle by himself and manages to come out of it a little sweatier, but with his sexy smolder intact (spoiler alert). If we could compare ourselves to a “Game of Thrones” character, we like to think of ourselves as Jon Snow, a sexy dumbass, but you root for us anyway.

2020

The Year of the Great Pandemic

Despite all the madness, we have come to realize how much we excel at being anti-social. It’s like our entire lives have been a dress rehearsal for 2020. Decades of awkward wall-flowering, declining (or not receiving) party invitations, and backing slowly out of rooms have forged us into the hardened professional introverts we are today. And this is exactly where we belong. We have arrived. 2020 is our time to shine. We are the kings and queens of absence, coffee-stained pajama pants, Thai food take-out, and toilet paper. Bow down.

Want a Gosselin Family Holiday Card

Fill out the form and we'll add you to our holiday card mailing list. We'll even include a personalized message that might change your outlook on life, such as "happy holidays" or "hope you are well."  Basically, unless we lose our will to be stupid (probably not), or we die, you'll get a card for the rest of your natural life. So if you sign up, you'll continue to get annual cards until one of us dies - us or you - no offense but we secretly hope it's you. 

 

Jake thought this might be a bad idea because it will cost us thousands in postage, but then I reminded him that we don't have a fan base (or even that many friends), but that his fear of imminent popularity was super cute. So yeah, fill out the form and you'll get a card from us next December and the December after that. It will cost us $0.29 cents, but Jake can just work OT.

 

P.S. We promise we won't think you're pathetic for asking total strangers to send you a card.

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